


Better Ending™

by TheCephalopodAgency



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Bananas, Crack, Episode: s12e10 The Timeless Children, Fix-It, Fuck you Chibnall, Multi, Pythia was right to curse you, also graham gets the appreciation i was told he deserves, ending bad, i dont know what the last one means, i had tags but my dumb computer unloaded the page and i lost them all, i'm lying it's crack, im actually really mad about it, it's a new day time to make new tags im not even mad anymore, now ending good, suggested tags include:, they broke it and im fixing it, this is a very serious story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:35:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22995556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCephalopodAgency/pseuds/TheCephalopodAgency
Summary: The ending was bad so I fixed it.
Relationships: The Doctor/The Master (Doctor Who), Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 15
Kudos: 23





	Better Ending™

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ketomax](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ketomax/gifts).



> i wrote this for my boyfriend cause the ending made him unhappy pls do not be mean i will probably cry a little do you want that do you want me to cry a little cause if you do there will be consequences
> 
> i'll wipe the tears all over your shirt and then your shirt will be wet and you'll have to change

Thirteen woke up slowly, confused for a moment as to why her room was so comfortable and very unprisonlike. She sat up and scanned the room, squinting suspiciously at everything, not quite sure it was correct. She reached around her back to grab her pillow and, still glaring at the cat clock on her wall (where and when she got it, she couldn’t say, it just _was_ ) and sniffed it. It didn't smell like a hallucination. They always had a faint, sour strawberry smell. The kind you didn't really notice until you were eating the strawberry and it tasted like dirt, and then it hits you that oh no, this strawberry? Not edible. Bad. Not valid. In the trash.

Just to be sure, she licked it while still staring unblinking at the clock on the wall. It tasted like skin cells and salt. (Not because she cried into her pillow a lot, her eyes just leaked sometimes. Look she’s doing her best okay leave her alone.) But anyway, that was the usual taste she expected from her pillow. Hallucinations tasted more like marshmallows. Not the good ones though, the kind you got in a bowl of lucky charms. Dry and crumbly, overly sweet and gross. Not as bad as making icing from hydrogenated soybean oil but also somehow worse.

Feeling slightly less suspicious, she slipped out of her bed.

By slipped she meant scooted to the edge of the bed and stood up, not slipped like on a banana peel. She'd tried that once, and had very quickly decided that banana peels had even less a place in a bed than they did on the floor and cause just as much of a mess but worse because her sheets smelled like banana for seven years. Sometimes, if she angled her toes just right, she could still smell it.

It must have been some sort of dream. But to be sure, she needed to get someone else’s opinion. She went over to the wall mounted phone she had on the wall because it looked cool and she spent three hundred space dollars to get it installed. She has to use it for something, you know? She dialled a number. The numbers kept changing because she didn't actually know the number she was calling, but the plot demanded she make the call so here we are.

“Doctor how did you get this number--”

“It’s Plot Convenience™, babes,” she said, sending finger gun energy the Master’s way through the power of time lord mind telepathy powers. She had the slightest shivery feeling that another version of her from 2006-2010 was disappointed in her. Possibly there was a plant.

“First of all, how dare you, second, how and why did you trademark that, and third, how dare you? That was memey and made me physically _cringe_ .” 

“But you love memes. I sent you so many. You always told me they were funny.” 

“Irrelevant,” he said. “Back to ‘how did you get this number’. Why are you calling me?” 

“I had a question.” 

“A question.” 

“Yes, you know, sentence with a wiggly ear shaped thing at the end? Like that, the one at the end of that last sting of words.” 

“Oh my god I hate you just ask your question and leave me to plot in peace.” 

“Okay cool, cool, remember the whole ‘everything you know is gonna change’ or ‘was a lie’ or whatever you said? I haven't watched that episode. I've just seen the gif sets and some of them have different captions.” She held up her hand and made a ‘shhzhjajdgjsagghh’ noise when he started to talk. “Don’t ask, I don't know why I said that either. Anyway, did you by that perhaps mean like, the entire lore of our species being retconned for a dumb surprise plot twist like some scientist found an immortal kid and killed them a couple many times to turn other people into time lords?” 

The Master blinked, speechless for a moment, She couldn’t see it but she could almost _hear_ it. The words processing in his brain, the little wheels turning, the little alarms and flashing red lights as his brain cells collectively smashed the panic button. She always loved that sound, but unlike him, thirteen was very bad at tricking or surprising and only got to hear it once every other season.

“No, that’s stupid.” He said finally.

“Okay, cool, cool. Good to know. Cool.”

“Doctor are you. Are you okay? You’re being more vague and--”

“I’m doing maximum maybe alright. Possibly. It's been a weird night we’ll just leave it at that.”

There was the tiniest hint of concern in the way she knew he was squinting at the phone. It made her feel a little wiggly inside.  
  
“Okay. Sure. Alright. Well, see you for the series finale."

“Oh no that’s tonight isn’t it?” Thirteen sighed. “I hate the finales, I always die in those.”

An action happened in place of dialog that she couldn’t think of.

“Okay I’ll see you tonight love you bye.”

She hung up the phone and then found herself somehow standing next to her bedroom door that also somehow was connected to the console room of the box. She took a deep breath, then kicked the door open.

“Guys!” Thirteen shouted as loud as possible, scaring all three of her time box buddies.  
  
“Doctor why,” one of them said. She liked him, even if he was bald. Or maybe he wasn’t. Further research required. ‘Remember, if you write it down, it’s science,’ she thought.   
  
“What’s your name? I haven't watched any of my episodes and I’m not actually sure if I know you.”   
  
“That’s Ryan, Doctor,” Yaz said.   
  
“Okay good, I know your name cause everyone on tumblr says we should be girlfriends and we have a ship name and everything.”   
  
“Can I have a line too?” Graham added, not wanting to feel left out. “I know my name but I don't know my personality because I also have not watched any of the episodes I’m in. I think I like food but I’m not sure. I might have drank ice tea once that you made. I think it was terrible.”   
  
“Thank you for your insightful comments Graham, always a pleasure to have you around,” Thirteen said, stepping closer to him to pat his shoulder appreciatively. “I appreciate that you exist. And when I say that, I didn't mean sarcastically. I genuinely enjoy your company and all you have to offer despite not actually knowing what you have to offer because I haven’t watched our episodes yet, but I’m sure I’ll feel the same way once I finally get around to it.” A single tear rolled down his face. He appeared to be feeling very appreciated, just as she intended.   
  
“Why am I the only one whose name you didn't remember?” Ryan said, frowning very grumpily at her.   
  
“Well I knew a guy a while back named Rory? Also started with an R. Sometimes I get a little confused. I know like, seven million people and sometimes they have names that start with the same letter and honestly that's a lot of effort to remember them all. I ran out of brain space when I got out of my celery phase. I put on the ugliest mess of an outfit you'd ever have seen. When I kicked the bucket again I got better. Had kind of a beige Riddler vibe. Wonder if I still have the sweater...” She did some actions to break up the dialog. “Anyway, this is getting kind of cracky and less fix the endingy.”   
  
“I don't know if we can fix that actually,” Ryan said. "I feel like it was doomed from the start."   
  
“So we should just embrace the crack?” Thirteen asked. Ryan nodded at her. For some reason he had more lines than everyone else. “Okay, crack it is. So, what did we do last night?”   
  
“We watched twelve scary movies.” Yaz said.   
  
“We wanted to go to bed but you insisted on watching one more because thirteen is your number and it always makes you happy when we do something thirteen times,” Ryan added.   
  
“You ate four boxes of sugar.” Graham said. “Not even like candy or anything, you just.. Scooped it out with a spoon.”   
  
“I told you there would be consequences,” Ryan said. “I told you, there would be weird dreams, but did you listen?”   
  
“Clearly not,” Thirteen said cheerfully. “So it really was all a dream. I never went to forever jail?”   
  
“Why would you go to forever jail, Doctor,” Ryan said, sounding very tired. She wasn't sure but she felt like he would be the most easily exasperated by her antics because Yaz was her tumblr girlfriend, and Graham was an old guy but not like, an _old_ guy.   
  
“Because the time squad killed me a few times to steal my power to regeneratify my bones? And skin, and stuff. Like. My entire body kind of in general, as one does when they die if they aren't not me and/or another lord shaped time person.”   
  
“Honestly, I feel like we’re doing this all out of order and I don't know if I drink but I feel like even if I don't I need one right now,” Ryan said. Said Ryan? Writing is hard.   
  
“You know what, I think we did do this out of order,” Thirteen sighed. It's like handing out the wrong order and having to tell the manager you needed another double quarter. “I guess that’s what happens when you write out of sequence. Okay, let's start over.”   
  
She walked back into her room, closed the door and took another deep breath. She kicked the door open and screamed--   
  
“ **_You don’t have to go that far back!_ ** ” Ryan said bold italicly.   
  
“Sorry, I just like kicking doors open and screaming” Thirteen said. “It relieves some of my pent up emotions that I've been bottling and storing in my basement like a fancy three million dollar bottle of wine for the last eight billion years of my lives.”   
  
“It’s okay,” Yaz her tumblr girlfriend (that she thought was very pretty and nice and thought also should have smooched her when she went through the instant death but also somehow apparently a forever prison portal in her dream like she'd seen on tumblr) said. “Just start from the beginning but the beginning after you screamed, not the beginning before that.”   
  
“Alright, well, the series finale was today, right? Or is today. It’s still Sunday somewhere in the world right now… unless it isn't…"

“It’s today??” They all yelled together because she was tired of picking one person to assign to random bits of dialog.  
  
“Well, yeah, it’s Sunday, apparently we have new episodes on Sundays. Look I don't know how the TV schedule works. I just appear in the episodes and wave my glowy stick around and look cool.”   
  
“You do look cool when you do that,” they admitted, now combined into one single companion.

“Anyway,” she said, probably not for the first time today. “So I had like, the weirdest dream last night. Probably because I watched thirteen scary movies and ate literally four bags of sugar. How heavy were those bags of sugar I don't remember existing when I did that.”  
  
“Probably because you were filled with the sugar,” the Ryan part of the companglomeration pointed out.   
  
“Very likely. But like, the weirdest dream. So I was like, a kid at some point? Maybe? I probably was. I remember going to time school but apparently I also was like, a different kid that had the ability to grow my bones back like a lizard but not just my bones like my entire body, organs and everything. And I didn't have a lizard tail. Anyway, some time person found out I could do that but they weren’t a time person yet but they killed me a bunch of times maybe until they found out how to make themselves into time people and I forgot all about it. And then my best forever friendenemysometimeswifesometimeshusband killed them all cause he was mad about it and like honestly I probably was kinda mad about it to but I might not have been because, and I can’t stress this enough, I have _not_ seen the episode yet.”   
  
She did a few more actions because the paragraph was getting very long and she needed to break it up but the next paragraph starting with dialog felt weird.

“And because of that, the rhino police sent me to forever jail. Also none of you hugged me and that made tumblr very sad.”  
  
“Oh no,” the companglomeration said. They hugged her and she smiled, pleased by this very muchly.   
  
“Are we all caught up now?”   
  
“I think so, but I honestly can't remember what we talked about before this. Can we all agree this makes sense and nothing is weird or unexplained at all?”   
  
“Sure, cool, everything’s good.”   
  
_“Who is talking please someone start using some sort of identification before I lose it._ ”   
  
“Who said that?”   
  


“Me.”  
  
“THAT’S IT I’M LOSING IT.”

And then the season finale happened and it wasn’t like the dream at all. Everyone escaped one hundred percent alive and not incarcerated.  
  
Where are they now?   
  
Thirteen went on to be a very successful apple farmer on new mars, occasionally being married to her tumblr girlfriend but also sometimes married to her pretty garbage husband who sometimes is her wife, but only when she’s got a fancy purple dress and an umbrella.   
  
When it isn't Yaz’s turn to be married to thirteen, she spends her time competing in the rodeo. She has become the youngest woman alive to last more than 11 seconds riding the -insert alien cow species here- with only her teeth, absolutely destroying the former record of 2x10 -13 seconds. She has seven gold medals. Some say she only lasted that long because she smells like apples, but they all know she just has a really strong jaw and are low key afraid of both her bite and the off the chart lesbian energy she exudes just by existing in a cowboy hat.   
  
Graham has become well known for inventing the graham cracker all over again after the recipe was lost for three centuries. Campers everywhere have declared him their god and they roast marshmallows in his name over a sacrificial campfire alter. He doesn't know if he is happy or disturbed by this.   
  
Ryan went to college and earned seven degrees in science, after thirteen told him ‘if you write it down, it's science’ before plucking a squiggle of hair from his head and scribbling the results down on a napkin. He is now the director of science at every university on the planet.

And the Master, when it isn't his turn to be married to thirteen, plots many nefarious schemes to get her attention back because he doesn't like to share but it was in the contract. He also carves tiny ducks out of wood in his spare time. Thirteen doesn't particularly enjoy ducks but she keeps them all on a little shelf and that gives him fuzzy feelings in his chest because Yaz never makes her tiny wooden ducks, and if she did they certainly aren't on the shelf, are they tumblr girlfriend? I’m not jealous you are. Go lasso a fence post or something.

**Author's Note:**

> if you have any questions comments or concerns you can direct them to the garbage where i wrote this and i will get back to you maybe after a shower
> 
> just write them on a piece of paper and toss it in the trash can it will reach me


End file.
